Struggles of a rebellious mind

 I had a horrible morning today. I was sleeping well, had decent dreams. And then the alarm rang. I woke up with a horrible feeling of sadness and hopelessness. I had tears on my face, my eyes were wet. It’s almost like I wanted to go to sleep and wake up in my bed in my parents house. Instead I woke up here, where I don’t want to be. I don’t want to eat, I have a horrible neck pain (I have been suffering from neck pain on and off for about a year). But I think heartbreak is the worst. I’m constantly thinking of ways out of this marriage. I’m fantasizing about my future without him. Let’s go back to yesterday: I did not want to give up his phones, but I told him I will give them back after work. He said he will destroy them immediately. I was furious. The truth was so close. I know, I just know he cheated on me.  He picked me up after work and demanded I give up the phones. I gave him the older one and he destroyed it with a hammer then and there. I didn’t want to tell him whe...

 It’s been progressively worse. Day by day. I will just go straight to what happened. A couple days ago I spotted my husband charging a phone I didn’t recognize. I asked him about it and he said that it’s his old phone and that he had just found it in the garage.  He said “is it ok if I keep it? I have pictures of the kids on there”. He did the puppy face and I don’t remember what I said. In my head I knew I had to go through that phone. I found it today in the morning in the garage in one of the drawers. I was surprised to see another phone there. I suspected that it was the phone he had when we met. I found an old iPhone charger and took both phones to work to go through them. The first one had the same passcode as his current one so it was easy. It was back from 2017, so years before we met. Still, what I found on there - I was shocked. I think he was going through a divorce at that time and was stationed in Hawaii.  I didn’t go through all of it, but I saw that he was...

 I tried to be a good catholic. After he told me he had two kids on Guam, initially I thought it’s too much. I thought about it for a couple days and changed my mind. I said - people at this age may have a past. Plus, the kids are old enough to understand the situation.  I thought - they’re far away, we probably won’t see them too often. His ex wife and kids were not a threat to our relationship. Then I found out about more secrets, about which I wrote earlier. The young kids…I knew it would be an issue. When we met his youngest was 2 months and the other kid from the same person was I think two. When they left his house I thought „ok, they’re out of the picture. Mommy dearest will soon find a new daddy for the kids and everybody will be satisfied”. I still tried to be open to limited communication though. One time that woman complained that he doesn’t buy the kids anything. So we went and bought clothes and shoes. Trust me, it wasn’t fun for me. I hated it. But I tried to be ...

I stayed with him in the US for two weeks. That was November 2021. I had no idea what would come next but we were talking about our future and how we we will make it work. When I came back we were on the phone all the time, sometimes falling asleep together (even though there was a time difference). We spoke a lot when I had night shifts in the hotel. I don’t know if I mentioned that. I was working in a 4 star hotel as a Sales and Marketing Specialist (organizing weddings, conferences, birthdays, catering etc) Then he surprised me by saying that he will come and see me for Christmas. He did Uber to save for a ticket.  I have to get off my chest what was happening then. It is very private, I didn’t want to mention it, but nobody else is reading it anyway.  At this point in his career, he was demoted for sleeping with a lower rank female soldier a year before (December 2020) while in Germany.  It is important to the story - that’s why his girlfriend broke up with him. And t...

 After I threw him out of my house, I had a panic attack in my bathroom and struggled to breathe on my bathroom floor. Tears were flowing like a river and I couldn’t believe why God is punishing me. What have I done? Why am I constantly getting my heart broken?! Didn’t I suffer through enough hardships in life? Watching my mother drinking, stumbling on the street or hiding in the basement for a week, leaving her newborn on the street with me? With a 6 year old kid??!! Giving birth to this disabled child who’s life she ruined???!!! Having to grow up sooner, because I had to cook and take care of the house because my father was on business trips?! Seeing my sister have multiple surgeries? My father being in a car accident and staying in the hospital for months?  I digress. I found that woman on Facebook and wrote her a message. I said I just found out about her and I asked if they were still together. She said they weren’t, but she was obviously furious with me. She said I was n...

 K. was out of the picture by June.  My mom told me „you’re already 30 years old, from now on don’t wait 5 years for a guy to propose. If a man doesn’t propose within a year, he has no intentions of marrying you”. I was very vulnerable at that time. I was in a relationship for 7 years, I didn’t want to date again. To be honest, that period of my life was a blur. I think I just worked, sometimes traveled to my friends, but I stopped having interest in sports.  I found a new job, because previous one was sucking the life out of me. I liked the new one, but it was hard and required me to push myself and deal with a lot of responsibility. I was exhausted.  One day I got a message from an old acquaintance of mine. He wanted me to perform in Italy. I can’t say what I was doing, because that would be an easy giveaway of who I am. I politely declined, because I didn’t have drive anymore and I wasn’t in great shape. We started talking though and I ended up coming to see him....