MISTAKE

 After I threw him out of my house, I had a panic attack in my bathroom and struggled to breathe on my bathroom floor. Tears were flowing like a river and I couldn’t believe why God is punishing me. What have I done? Why am I constantly getting my heart broken?! Didn’t I suffer through enough hardships in life? Watching my mother drinking, stumbling on the street or hiding in the basement for a week, leaving her newborn on the street with me? With a 6 year old kid??!! Giving birth to this disabled child who’s life she ruined???!!! Having to grow up sooner, because I had to cook and take care of the house because my father was on business trips?! Seeing my sister have multiple surgeries? My father being in a car accident and staying in the hospital for months? 

I digress.

I found that woman on Facebook and wrote her a message. I said I just found out about her and I asked if they were still together. She said they weren’t, but she was obviously furious with me. She said I was nothing special, that I’m one of the many, that he doesn’t love me and other things that I don’t remember. She pictured me as a homewrecker. At this point, according to what he said, they weren’t together for at least 7 months. 

I have a feeling I wrote about this already. Again, my memory is very bad due to the medication I’m taking.

I wanted to know more. I wanted to know how many more lies there were. I asked him - „where does she live?” He said „she is in Florida with her family”.

He was just spewing lies. He could not say the truth. He was so deep into the Labirynth that he created, that there was no visible way out for him.

It clearly said on her fb that she lived in Texas. In his house.

So he was about to go back to that house in less than a week.

I strongly believed that I will be able to let go. I wanted to let go. Everybody told me it won’t end well, that he is a liar and a man whore and that he will cheat on me and mistreat me. They asked me if I wanted to deal with four kids and two baby mamas.

I didn’t.

So why am I here?! I want to smash my head into the mirror. I want to know why?!

The man that I loved left. But he was very invested in keeping me. He begged, he cried. He told me he wants me to be his wife in the future, that I am „the ONE”. That he told his parents about me and all that.

He got home, stayed with that woman and I couldn’t sleep.

It was a big house. He said he was staying on the second floor and she and the kids downstairs.

 He said it was temporary. He said she will move out. I kept asking for dates. The dates were pushed twice. 

She thought we weren’t together anymore. One night she found his phone and she threw a huge fit. She deleted my number from his phone, she wrote me a message full of hate. And she told him „if you love your kids, get a vasectomy”. She told him „choose your family or her”. He said he chooses me (unfortunately, there is no way to verify if any of this is true. There is no sense in asking a habitual liar). After a month I told him to move out of the house until finds another place to live.

He slept on some guys couch for a couple weeks and then she moved out. He asked me if he can drive the truck with her things. I said „no”. She was my enemy at this point. Maybe she wouldn’t be if she wouldn’t call me names and ask him to be back together.

To be honest I suspect that they did something together during his time there. Especially that she didn’t know we were still together. 

I recall that his daughter had a birthday „party” scheduled somewhere at the lake. One hour away. This woman booked a place for them to stay together for the night. I said „you can’t stay there”. He went back. Next day on her Facebook I see plenty of pictures from that „event”. She clearly wanted me to see. I was furious over one picture. She was sitting on a bench with her legs up and her ass was showing. And he took the picture.

I threw a huge tantrum over the phone. 

I wanted her out of our lives.

Like an idiot, I go through all of that. I was unbelievably stressed. I felt like my heart was as heavy as a stone.

Who is my „boyfriend” - he is not a good person. He is a babymaker, a shitty father and an emotionless cheater.

I must have been so blinded, so in need of love, that I still wanted to be with this man.

I visited in November. I guess he was surprised that I came. 

I paid for my whole trip and I had my own money when I got there. At this point he rented two rooms for two soldiers, so it’s easier to pay bills.

One of them was an alcoholic, another womanizer. I didn’t like him. Another one was a timid guy, rather harmless, but all of them partied together in that house.

One of the nights when I was there he started drinking with them, playing the guitar and ding and forgot I was in the other room.

I was so angry. 

Other than that he was lots of fun. He had to go to work everyday though, so I was bored in the house. That house was beautiful, but I didn’t want to be there. She just moved out a month before. Disgusting.

I go to meet his family for Thanksgiving. They all seemed very welcoming and friendly, they avoided talking about his past which was nice. 

It was my first time in the US. I didn’t like it to be honest. Everything seemed so far away, there really is no possibility to walk (not like Europe where You can walk everywhere), there were lots of immigrants, shady streets.

After a couple of days I developed a uti. I wonder if he gave something. Some kind of infection. He denies it, but I was suffering for weeks. I’m pretty sure he gave me some kind of an std. I don’t believe he was faithful to me. 

Oh! I forgot about one story.

I will digress a little.

It was a week after we met in Poland. I was scheduled to go on a trip with my friends to the Masurian lakes for four days. He didn’t like it, but he had no power over me at this point. 

First night im there - he doesn’t answer his phone for hours after going to the club in my hometown.

I was sure he was messing around with other women - he is very handsome and looks very oriental. Not someone we, polish women see everyday. I struggled to fall asleep. He messaged me in the morning that he was drunk and went to sleep in his hotel room. He called me at 10 am trying to prove he was alone.

How are you going to prove it?? She could have left before the phone call. I ask him sometimes if he was alone that night and he always says yes, but my gut tells me otherwise.

I had no reason to trust him right away.

I feel like I never trusted him. After all those lies I still feel like he is hiding so many things from me.

I sit upstairs in my bed, writing this, fuming with anger after another fight. I wish I could write what’s it all about, but I have to write things in chronological order, this way, it will all make sense…

I feel like this post puts me in a bad light. I look stupid. For forgiving him for all the lies. For still taking him after finding amour he is divorced and had 4 kids with two different women. But most importantly- it may seem to you that I broke a home.

To be honest - I did that woman a favor. She thinks he cheated on her with maybe two or three women. He admitted to me about 10 women. And knowing his lying ass, I would double it.

She told me he cheated on her a week before her daughter was born. Who does that? 

After being in America for almost three years I see that a lot of Army men cheat. They’re immature, they’re reckless. 

Of course, there is plenty of good men, but I don’t know a lot about those. I got the „bad apple”.

Until next time…