Too much hate

 I tried to be a good catholic.

After he told me he had two kids on Guam, initially I thought it’s too much. I thought about it for a couple days and changed my mind. I said - people at this age may have a past. Plus, the kids are old enough to understand the situation. 

I thought - they’re far away, we probably won’t see them too often. His ex wife and kids were not a threat to our relationship.

Then I found out about more secrets, about which I wrote earlier.

The young kids…I knew it would be an issue. When we met his youngest was 2 months and the other kid from the same person was I think two. When they left his house I thought „ok, they’re out of the picture. Mommy dearest will soon find a new daddy for the kids and everybody will be satisfied”.

I still tried to be open to limited communication though.

One time that woman complained that he doesn’t buy the kids anything. So we went and bought clothes and shoes. Trust me, it wasn’t fun for me. I hated it. But I tried to be a good person.

On the youngest kid’s first birthday we were on our way to the city where she was staying. She was supposed to give us the kids for a couple hours so I can meet them. She texted us halfway that she doesn’t know me and doesn’t trust me and that we can come inside but not take the kids.

I said I’m not going inside. I had no desire of meeting a woman who called me names and didn’t wish me well. My therapist told me prior to that that a lot of people in a similar situation never even met the other parent and that it was ok.

So for my mental health, I decided to stay in the car. 

I waited for an hour an my hate started to brew. It went downhill from there. I couldn’t control myself anymore. I didn’t want to hear her voice, I didn’t want to hear the kids voices, I didn’t want him to call.

He is a shitty father anyway so he rarely called.

She filed for child support and he was bitching at her, he said he wishes he could just sign off the rights.

That was fine with me! And with his mother, because she hated her as well. I won’t get into those details.

So I thought - „good. He hates her now too!”

I don’t think he loved her. He told me he cheated on her with 10 different women and that she knew about maybe 3.

So I am assuming it was probably 20. Because he is a liar right?

I don’t feel bad for her. She chose to take him back time after time. 

I want to go back to what I said on the top - I failed as a catholic.

I found out that my heart is not big enough to embrace 4 kids.

I accepted the daughters from Guam. Maybe one day I will write later but I truly love those girls. They’re beautiful, smart, funny, humble and precious. Their mother raised them well.

I don’t have any more space for strangers. And I don’t want to! 

Am I even allowed to have a choice? Someone might say - „you knew what you were getting into” - well turns out I had no idea.

I had no idea how lonely am I gonna be in this country.

I had no idea when I will see my family again.

I had no idea how badly my husband will treat me.

I had no idea that the hate will rise each year more and more.

I’m writing this post today, because I noticed messages between my husband and the 5 year old he has with that woman.

Playing daddy and stuff. 

I had no idea this will hurt me so much. More so that I can’t have my own kids because I take medications that are dangerous to the fetus. 

This will bite me in the ass in the future. I can’t stay. I will never be able to tolerate this. I will never be able to open my heart to this. I do not want to. I do not have to. I want them to stay away from me, I don’t ever want to see them, hear them, hear about them. God forbid I would see them on my doorstep one day.

He convinced me he didn’t want to be in contact with them. He told me he wishes he could sign off the rights!!! 

You can judge me all you want. I don’t care. I am my own person, those are not my kids, I do not owe them anything. No affection, no contact, no step mommy shit. I don’t know them and I don’t want to know them. I hope they live happily ever after far from me and my husband.

If he wants to play daddy, then I think he should. But without me. At this point I want to be home, where he took me from.

I want to cry for days and then I want to forget that I was ever here.

My marriage is already horrible. Someone will always be unhappy.

In order to be free from sin I need to get away.

But how do I do that? I have a job that I like, I don’t have a car and I have so many things that belong to me.

I don’t care about the house that we own, I don’t care about what his family thinks. At this moment I’m just worried about me and my poor heart.

I hate my husband. I wish I didn’t skip to this part, but I had to release some anger.

I’m not a bad person. I just chose a bad person to be with and it’s bringing the worst out of me.

He made me like this. 

I’m starting to think that this blog is me trying to convince my future self that leaving was a good idea. I don’t see myself staying. 

We’ve been together three years and I have never been happy. I have always been neglected, I have been shouted at, he threatened me multiple times. I have been ridiculed for my sickness, I have been called a weak pussy when I was scared of the dark, I was (and still am) sexually harassed, I’m a servant in my own house, there has been financial infidelity, lack of stability, promises without fulfillment and many other. 

I’m wrecked. I’m barely floating. My mental health is so damaged by this toxic relationship. 

I could write a book about this narcissist that’s been ruining my life (and the life of many other people).

Sometimes I don’t call him my husband anymore. I just say „this person”.

I’m subconsciously detaching myself from him.

A single tear is falling down my cheek. I’ve cried so much I don’t have much left.

I want to write everything so that I remember.

I have a lot to say. Some things I have written in my calendars, some are saved on my phone. It will take a while to write it all, but I have to do it.

I wish someone took me away from here…