Starting over and over and over

 K. was out of the picture by June. 

My mom told me „you’re already 30 years old, from now on don’t wait 5 years for a guy to propose. If a man doesn’t propose within a year, he has no intentions of marrying you”.

I was very vulnerable at that time. I was in a relationship for 7 years, I didn’t want to date again. To be honest, that period of my life was a blur. I think I just worked, sometimes traveled to my friends, but I stopped having interest in sports. 

I found a new job, because previous one was sucking the life out of me. I liked the new one, but it was hard and required me to push myself and deal with a lot of responsibility. I was exhausted. 

One day I got a message from an old acquaintance of mine. He wanted me to perform in Italy. I can’t say what I was doing, because that would be an easy giveaway of who I am. I politely declined, because I didn’t have drive anymore and I wasn’t in great shape. We started talking though and I ended up coming to see him. 

I think it was a big mistake. I was lonely and I didn’t really think about what I was doing. I wasn’t even that attracted to him. So we got into a long distance relationship. He quickly told me he loved me. I was a bit confused - how are we going to do this? I don’t speak enough Italian to live and work there. And he  didn’t seem like a guy that can provide a stable life. He switched jobs all the time and still lived with his parents. 

Anyway, Covid hit and it caused the death of whatever this was. Borders were closed, I couldn’t see him, he told me he doesn’t love me anymore.

Whatever. Moving on. To the most important part.

Because that’s why I started this blog.

I think I downloaded Tinder late in 2020. 

I texted with many people, but nobody was really interested. The longest conversation I had was maybe a week. 

And then, June 11 2021 I matched with G. 

I knew he was in the US Army right away. I mean. What would an American do in Poland? 

He was beautiful. Very exotic to me. Almost 4 years younger than me. His description was „I just wanna have fun”.

Again - what was I thinking?

I didn’t like messaging him. There was something wrong with the way he texted. I thought „it’s a fake profile, this guy can barely speak English”. But then, the next day, I opened Tinder and I clicked on his profile and it said „1 mile away”. So I message him and say „what are You doing in my city?” (Military base was about 45 min away). And he said „you live here? (We just texted for a day at this point). We should meet up”. So I agree and we meet. 

He was a lot shorter than I though. Well, unfortunately that’s my curse. All the guys I dated were either my height or shorter and that looks funny when I wear high heels.

He was drunk. I didn’t like that. I don’t drink or smoke. 

I didn’t have much hopes for this, but I was like „I’m already here, let’s see what is this guy about”. He seemed genuinely interested in me and what I had to say. He was funny, had a lot of stories about his life. 

He told me he was from Guam, but currently lives in Texas. 

I was very attracted to him. He mentioned he is leaving in two months. I was disappointed. Then my mom called. Said that dad is having heart issues. I had to go back home. He followed me for a while, we kissed spontaneously before saying goodbye.

I come home and my mom and dad were just sitting there watching tv. I said „I thought dad is not feeling well?!” And they said they just said that so that I come home because they’re not comfortable with me going on internet dates.

It was quite funny. I was already 32 years old, but I am a daddy’s girl, what can You do.

He comes to see me next day. He had to pay a lot of money for transport to see me all the time. There was a lady and a guy that were borderline extorting those poor soldiers just for them to go to my hometown. 

He started to kiss me passionately maybe two minutes after he entered my apartment. It was new to me. We ended up making love and I was shook. I never met a person with so much passion and character. I don’t know how to explain it. He gave me so much attention. 

I was lonely and here comes a guy that is treating you like a goddess. I got „drunk” on that feeling of being almost worshipped. 

After maybe four dates we talk on the phone and I ask him a question „do You have kids?” And I desperately wanted to hear a „no”. That was my hard limit. The brief pause in his voice was enough to crash my hopes. He said he has two beautiful daughters that live on Guam. I ended the conversation and blocked him.

I had a horrible day at work. I cried. I though „why is God doing this to me??why is there always an obstacle?”.

I’m very conservative, traditional. I always wanted to be the first and only wife, to spend a life together and have three kids. Simple.

And here he is, divorced, 29 with two kids. I had all sorts of negative emotions. I was sad, disappointed, angry. But I thought „first of all, it’s just a fling, so why are you so upset?”. But you know women, they always think „this guy might be THE ONE”. So I unblock him and we continue.

I took him out for a walk to a nearby park so that he can explain to me the whole situation. It hurt. I think I knew at this moment that I might be falling for him. That sucked. Why can’t we control our feelings? Life would be so much more easier if we chose where to allocate our love.

He was behaving weird the whole time. He was looking around, he was visibly nervous. I thought „either he is not being honest with me, or he feels threatened for some reason”. On our way home I ask him „is that it? Two kids? Be honest”. He said „what if I had four?” And I said „don’t even scare me like this. We would be DONE”. And he said he was joking.

Some time after that he revealed to me that he was expecting an ambush in the park that day. I thought „great, he has PTSD too!”. What else is wrong with him?

He meets my parents. He is drunk again. I was horribly horribly mad. I told him I don’t ever want to see him like this. I don’t think my parents noticed though, because he was very charming and friendly, was laughing a lot. It was my dad’s name day party so all of my aunts were there. They loved him. Said he looks like a movie star and that he is beautiful and that I won’t find a more handsome man in Poland.

My feelings for him grew. he stayed a couple nights at my house, we cooked together, watched movies. He told me he loved me. I had to think about it, but I told him I loved him back two weeks later.

When he couldn’t see me, I went to the city where the base was located and I stayed in the hotel just to see him for three hours. It didn’t feel good. I felt like a one night stand. Because he couldn’t stay the night during the week and because I had to stay there alone. I think I got weird looks from the staff. I’m sure plenty of American soldiers brought their one night stands there. 

Time we had was slowly coming to an end.

We started talking about a long distance relationship. I tried not to think about him leaving. I had severe anxiety and it wasn’t helping. 

A week before he left, he came to my house and told me he needs to confess the truth.

He dropped to his knees and told me he has two more children. I almost died of a heart attack. He started crying. 

And then he dropped another bomb. 

He said his girlfriend left him because he cheated on her. He was crying. I don’t think I have ever been so shocked in my entire life.

He revealed that his youngest child was born just three months ago. I was nauseous and disgusted.

I threw him out of my house. 

He lied to me. He was looking into my eyes many times, knowing the truth. I cried for days. I needed hugs from my mom.

I had to work the next day and he came to my workplace. I didn’t come out and he left. He was scared.

I messaged that woman and I asked her if they’re still together (at this point I didn’t believe in anything he said”) She said no, but then proceeded to call me „one of the many” and told me that I’m not special and so on. 

I went through her profile on Facebook. I feel sick just thinking about what I saw. 

There were pictures of them being a family as if nothing happened. He in bed with the kids, them together going hiking, her pictures being pregnant. 

I confronted him - he said they haven’t been together since last year and that he doesn’t know why she still has those pictures up. 

I have to stop here. I’m getting really upset. It’s very hard recalling that situation.