Struggles of a rebellious mind

 I wake up every day sweating from my nightmares. They have been bothering me a lot lately.  I’m under a lot of stress. I’m in an unhappy marriage, me and him are moving out of state and going to my country to visit for 5 months. People are asking me - „are you excited to go home?”. And I can’t help but reply honestly -„I’m not”. I would like to go alone. Leave him and all of my sorrows behind. Forget that I have ever been here, erase all of the memories. I wish I could wake up in my bed at home and start fresh. Too bad that I’m about to turn 36 and it’s not easy to optimistically enter a new chapter. I fantasize about my life without him. It looks good in my thoughts. I wish he could let me go.  I’m unhappy, I’m scared of him, I shiver when I hear him walk up the stairs, I don’t miss him, I don’t want to be around him, I don’t want to go out with him. I recently understood there is no love between us. I used to tell people that my husband loves me very much. I was wrong....

 Trapped.  Resisting, rebelling, fighting - it doesn’t change anything.  But it’s what my heart is telling me to do. I know what he’s doing to me is wrong. I should be long gone. Now is the only moment I regret not having a driver’s license. I wish I had a car, packed my most important things, my dog and left. I fantasize about this often. I feel like I’m writing from prison. It’s just that my letters don’t have a recipient. My mental health is deteriorating. I want this to end. This marriage. I wish I had somewhere to go and I wish I had more courage. I’m already brave standing up to him, but I’m too scared to leave. I truly believe he would end my life while enraged. He took off his guitar off the wall and put his rifle on there - constant reminder of what might happen. He is a psycho. My mom warned me when she found out I was dating an army guy. She said he probably has PTSD and can kill me if I ever wanted to leave. Her dad was a policeman during communism in Poland -...

 It feels like I’m the most unhappy that I have ever been in my life. Every breath is a struggle. I can’t see the light. I can’t see the way out.  Am I seeing, am I witnessing my own end? Am I sensing it somehow? I feel like I need to prepare myself, but I don’t know for what. I have been praying to God for an answer.  I have noticed a big change in my prayers lately. Before- I used to pray to save my marriage, but lately I have been asking God to relieve me of this burden. This is a very heavy cross to carry. I cannot handle it. I don’t feel like it will bring me closer to Heaven.  It would require extreme mental strength, extreme sacrifice and borderline slavery. I don’t believe that’s what God expects me to do. If my husband was physically disabled, but he would be good to me - that would be a heavy cross to carry - but a cross that would bring me closer to salvation. G. is bringing me closer to evil than I have ever imagined. I don’t like the person that I have b...

 I keep waking up in a horrible mood. I’m depressed.  I open my eyes in the morning and I don’t look forward to anything. I stare at the ceiling. My body feels heavy. My eyelids feel heavy. My heart feels heavier than ever. I haven’t slept well in a while. My thoughts are wandering.  I don’t have appetite. My stomach is clenched. I’m nauseous.  I don’t want to get up and go downstairs and greet the man that I resent. I don’t think he knows how much I hate him.  I tell him every day though. It started from me replying to his “I love you”: “I love you too” - just to say it. In a dry, emotionless way. Or maybe not - it started with me trying to avoid saying it back to him. But he kept pushing it. So I just replied so that he would leave me alone. But it wasn’t genuine.  Then, as his behavior was becoming worse (I will explain) I went to: “I don’t even like you”.  And now, a couple weeks later I don’t hold back and I just say “I hate you” I haven’t posted ...

 I don’t know who am I writing this for anymore. Is it for my husband to read or is this for the future me. I think I’m leaning towards the latter. He wouldn’t even read the first post. He is like a deep well, nothing reaches the bottom.  I cry almost every day. I’m very conflicted. I called this blog: “struggles of a rebellious mind” for a reason: if I did everything my husband wants me to do (work full time, be skinny and wear lingerie, workout with him, cook, clean, have sex with him every night, ignore his spending, listen to his plans of being rich every day for hours and actively praise him for being a genius, fold his laundry, help him with his business, let him stay up and drink alcohol with the neighbor, clean up his mess after him, give him more money every months etc) then, only then my husband would treat me right.  I’m intelligent enough to know that it is wrong. He will never be able to find anyone able to put up with this.  I work five days a week. I f...

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