When blinds in the bedroom look like prison bars

 Trapped. 

Resisting, rebelling, fighting - it doesn’t change anything. 

But it’s what my heart is telling me to do. I know what he’s doing to me is wrong.

I should be long gone. Now is the only moment I regret not having a driver’s license. I wish I had a car, packed my most important things, my dog and left.

I fantasize about this often.

I feel like I’m writing from prison. It’s just that my letters don’t have a recipient.

My mental health is deteriorating. I want this to end. This marriage. I wish I had somewhere to go and I wish I had more courage.

I’m already brave standing up to him, but I’m too scared to leave. I truly believe he would end my life while enraged.

He took off his guitar off the wall and put his rifle on there - constant reminder of what might happen.

He is a psycho. My mom warned me when she found out I was dating an army guy. She said he probably has PTSD and can kill me if I ever wanted to leave. Her dad was a policeman during communism in Poland - he was a cold, cruel man. I’m sure there was something wrong with him too.

I laughed then. I’m not laughing anymore.

I don’t want to be with him.

I don’t want to get married in church with him.

I don’t want to have his kids.

I imagine myself in a different life. Daily.

I think it would be best if he moved back to Guam. The farthest from me the better.

Because of his behavior towards me I lost all interest in this man.

I’m not attracted to him anymore. I don’t feel loved - I just feel used and threatened at all times and I have to walk on eggshells around him.

I have to be careful of what I say and who I mention.

He criticizes everything I say or do.

I’m traveling back to my country in a month.

I’m not happy or excited because unfortunately he is going with me. I don’t want him there!!!

Yesterday, on Sunday Oct 27 I saw on his phone that he FaceTimed one of his baby mamas. He never told me about this and he told me he had her number blocked for years. But there it was - two calls to K.W. 

They were still in contact through email. She maybe wrote once or twice a year though. I mean, that’s what I know.

I went through his phone because he went through mine first.

When I asked for his phone he was visibly nervous and urged me about three to four times to give it back, saying there was nothing on there.

There is no reason for them to FaceTime each other. And calling your ex is like cheating to me.

Especially when you hide it from your spouse.

He called her a bitch for years and told me he wanted to disown the kids and now he’s playing daddy of the year?!

I did not agree to this.

He is a disgusting liar. Always has been.

We were supposed to go get lunch, but I became furious and started shouting at him. He said we won’t be going anywhere.

I left the house to go to the store to get myself and my dog something to eat.

He drove after me, stopped the car, got out and pulled me by my bag ripping off the strap. He pushed me towards the passenger seat and said “get in, bitch”.

My husband kidnapped me off the street and nobody saw.

I was crying my eyes out and I was struggling to breathe.

I was hoping the neighbors would her and call the police. But nobody did. They never do.

I can’t even leave the house by myself, even though he has my location.

At home I took off the engagement ring (I am not wearing a wedding ring either because I gained weight and it had to be removed) and threw it at him and told him to pawn it and send more money to his kids.

He jumped at me, pushed my face to the pillow while holding the ring and shouted “do you wanna choke on it?!” “Do you wanna choke on it?!”

He left the house, left me with no food. I went to sleep hungry and I woke up to him being in bed with me. I have no idea where he went.

I didn’t make a sound because I didn’t want him to touch me.

Whoever is reading this - you can call me heartless for rejecting his ex and two of his kids, but I told him from the start I don’t accept them. Because of her trying to sabotage our relationship in the beginning and she wanted to be with him when he was already with me.

I don’t care - he is free to go back to them. But even when I’m gone - he won’t. Because that’s how shitty he is. He only makes promises and then lies. 

He is worthless to everybody. He ruins everybody’s lives. 

I wish I could turn back time.