Swimming in the dark waters

 It feels like I’m the most unhappy that I have ever been in my life. Every breath is a struggle. I can’t see the light. I can’t see the way out. 

Am I seeing, am I witnessing my own end? Am I sensing it somehow?

I feel like I need to prepare myself, but I don’t know for what. I have been praying to God for an answer. 

I have noticed a big change in my prayers lately. Before- I used to pray to save my marriage, but lately I have been asking God to relieve me of this burden.

This is a very heavy cross to carry. I cannot handle it.

I don’t feel like it will bring me closer to Heaven.  It would require extreme mental strength, extreme sacrifice and borderline slavery. I don’t believe that’s what God expects me to do.

If my husband was physically disabled, but he would be good to me - that would be a heavy cross to carry - but a cross that would bring me closer to salvation.

G. is bringing me closer to evil than I have ever imagined.

I don’t like the person that I have become. But he won’t let me leave. I asked many times for a divorce. Just a couple days ago he told me: „ I will never give You a divorce. Instead - you will suffer”.

A lot has happened since my last post. Enough to make my parents tell me to leave. But I won’t tell them. My dad’s health is very fragile.

At this point I think I’m destined for it and I’m going with this fate that God gave me. I don’t know how long am I supposed to wait…but I will wait.

God is my witness how heavy my heart feels. I want to cry, I want to bang on the walls, but I don’t want to attract G’s attention. I want to be quiet. I want to be unseen. I want to be left alone. This person has ruined me so much.

I don’t think I will be able to trust anyone ever again.

I don’t think I will ever have children. 

To be honest, I don’t think I will live long.

I think he will kill me eventually.

I had a best friend once. 

She passed away because of a genetic disease at the age of 19.

We always used to say that „we can’t see our future”. We were wondering why. Now I know why she couldn’t see hers.

I always felt like I’m not going to live till old age. Maybe my time is coming too.

I feel threatened.

I felt this way even before G got the guns.

Over 1,5 year ago he was planning to get a pistol. I was mentioning a divorce back then too. I even called his mom and told her that he is on his way to purchase a weapon and that I’m scared that he is going to kill me. She told me to leave because she is scared her son will go to prison.

I did even more. I called the store and said that he is on his way and that he is visibly upset and told them to make the right judgment before selling him a gun. I also wrote him a message that I did that. I guess I bought myself one year of peace with that.

Exactly two weeks ago, I came back from work and I started complaining about the house - he doesn’t clean, he just sleeps all day, masturbates and plays in the garage. He started shouting at me. I mentioned divorce again.

He had a gun in the case downstairs on one of the end tables (he has a Glock and a semi auto rifle). He took the gun out of the case and put it on the table to intimidate me and said „you want a divorce?! We will see about that!”.

It was a warning.

It was too much for me.

I jumped, grabbed the gun and put it against my head and I told him „kill me then”.

He said „put it down, it’s loaded”.

I put it down on the coffee table and out of frustration I jumped at him and we start to wrestle. He threw me off of him. 

Those guns are for me. He doesn’t hunt. We live in a safe neighborhood. Those guns are there to keep me in the house. They’re there to remind me of my boundries. 

He once told me that I won’t be able to leave the house. I said „if you kill me, you will spend the rest of your life in prison” he said „no I won’t” I said „why?” And he said „because I won’t be living either”.

Which basically means he will kill himself right after he kills me.