No peace even in my sleep

 I wake up every day sweating from my nightmares. They have been bothering me a lot lately. 

I’m under a lot of stress.

I’m in an unhappy marriage, me and him are moving out of state and going to my country to visit for 5 months.

People are asking me - „are you excited to go home?”. And I can’t help but reply honestly -„I’m not”.

I would like to go alone. Leave him and all of my sorrows behind. Forget that I have ever been here, erase all of the memories. I wish I could wake up in my bed at home and start fresh. Too bad that I’m about to turn 36 and it’s not easy to optimistically enter a new chapter.

I fantasize about my life without him. It looks good in my thoughts. I wish he could let me go. 

I’m unhappy, I’m scared of him, I shiver when I hear him walk up the stairs, I don’t miss him, I don’t want to be around him, I don’t want to go out with him. I recently understood there is no love between us.

I used to tell people that my husband loves me very much. I was wrong. He desperately wants to keep me because of his own reasons.

If you love someone, you want the best for them. You don’t belittle them, shout at them, threaten them or use them. You don’t pressure them every day or harass them sexually. You respect when the other person says „no”.

I’m upset that I fell into this trap. I got trapped in his web, unable to get out. It’s my fault. There is still time to leave- I just have no idea how to do it and get out in one piece.

I don’t believe in revival of any romantic feelings between us. He destroyed me, damaged my love beyond repair. When he comes close to me, I don’t feel any good emotions. Only hurt and tear. 

Last week- I think it was Friday-I saw on his location that he was downtown for some reason. I was at work. He didn’t tell that he had plans. I called him and he said he went out with our neighbor. I asked him „are you drinking” and he said „yes”. I hung up. Before I did that I heard that the other guy was already super drunk and it was only 3 or 4 pm. They were there until the end of my shift. I called to ask if he was picking me up. I heard in his voice that he was under the influence. I anxiously waited for him in front of the store I work in. 

He arrived and the drunk neighbor spilled out of the passenger seat and moved into the backseat. I entered the car and it stunk so bad. G is drunk. The other guy - wasted. I was worried he would vomit. He could barely talk.

He sad behind me and asked me questions and pulled my hair on accident. I wanted to cry and scream.

My mother is an alcoholic, I’m sure I mentioned it a couple times. G should know that I hate being around drunk people!!!!

I was furious. He was drinking and driving.i was scared all the way home.

He got out of the army one month ago and ever since he’s been drinking often and smoking weed almost every day. 

I got home and spotted a pack of beer - maybe eight cans, I don’t remember. I opened all of them and poured them into the sink. I disposed of the weed as well.

All I could think about were the memories of me looking for my mom’s hidden bottles of alcohol and pouring it out.

I shouted at him, but there was no reaction.

He took a shower, got dressed and said he would go do laundry (all of our furniture and washer and drier are already in storage). I told him I will call the police if he takes the car.

His eyes were red and absent. I requested car keys. He said he doesn’t know where they are and asked me what my problem was.

He ended up not going thank God. I messaged his mother to please have a tak with him.

I cried for hours before I finally fell asleep.

Next day - he showed no remorse and pretended nothing happened. I told him that having a DUI is serious. He said he knows and that he would pay off the fine and that he doesn’t need a car to get around.

He also demanded sex from me - like almost every night. When I refuse, he watches porn so loud that I have to put in my earplugs to stay calm.

He confronts me every day about it. He says he needs to „get laid”. I said that having a wife is not about getting laid and he said „yes it is”.

My life is miserable. I’m angry at myself for staying but I’m trapped at the moment. 

I started thinking about getting a gun to protect myself but I’m not a citizen yet and I don’t know how it works.

I pray to God every night to help me. Only he knows how bad I’m being treated. Nobody else knows. It would break my mom’s heart if she knew. 

Last night I was praying before sleep as usual. With my eyes closed. When I opened my eyes he was standing naked with his penis in front of my face. I hope his retribution is coming. Hopefully sooner than later. 

I keep thinking that if I was mentally weak, I would kill myself to escape him. I know there is more to life though. Let’s wait. For now. There is no other way.