Horrible mood

 I keep waking up in a horrible mood.

I’m depressed. 

I open my eyes in the morning and I don’t look forward to anything. I stare at the ceiling. My body feels heavy. My eyelids feel heavy. My heart feels heavier than ever.

I haven’t slept well in a while. My thoughts are wandering. 

I don’t have appetite. My stomach is clenched. I’m nauseous. 

I don’t want to get up and go downstairs and greet the man that I resent. I don’t think he knows how much I hate him. 

I tell him every day though.

It started from me replying to his “I love you”: “I love you too” - just to say it. In a dry, emotionless way.

Or maybe not - it started with me trying to avoid saying it back to him.

But he kept pushing it. So I just replied so that he would leave me alone. But it wasn’t genuine. 

Then, as his behavior was becoming worse (I will explain) I went to: “I don’t even like you”.  And now, a couple weeks later I don’t hold back and I just say “I hate you”

I haven’t posted in a couple weeks. It’s not because everything was good. 

It’s been progressively worse actually. 

Writing it down doesn’t even help. I don’t know why I’m doing it.

G. Has stopped taking his ADHD medication. His behavior became unbearable. He is loud, makes random noises like an autistic five year ok, he is chaotic, disorganized, constantly losing something.

He is making a mess like a tornado everywhere he goes. His laundry is never picked up and the throws clothes into the bin with coins, paper,screws and once even with a lighter in them. This is dangerous. I can’t imagine what would happen if I threw in a lighter into the dryer.

There are documents everywhere. Everyday he is making lists and plans what to do and then he doesn’t do it.

He started drinking beer everyday and staying up late with neighbors because I’m tired after work and I don’t want to have sex.

He is then punishing me emotionally for it by sleeping on the couch.

What is also annoying is that he accepts people’s invitation’s without asking me and then he is angry that I don’t want to go. 

I’m not a people’s person. I like to stay home, I don’t like to meet new people. I want to rest whenever I have free time.

He doesn’t stay put.

He constantly has to do something. He doesn’t just sit down and watch a movie.

He even eats fast like an animal.

He knew for over a year that he would be getting out of the army, but he didn’t find a job and now he is shouting at me that we have to move out of the house because we can’t afford it.

He offends me everyday by insinuating that I sleep with my manager at work and that I like my “shitty job because I get to sit on my ass and look pretty all day”. 

One day after work he took my phone and noticed that me and my manager were sending each other funny memes. He got infuriated and threw my phone on the ground.

One day I put red lipstick (it’s normal for me to put makeup for work everyday)  in the morning and when he picked me up at 7 pm after work he shouted at me “why don’t you have lipstick on?! What did you do?!” I had to explain to him that I ate and drank during work.

A couple days ago he came in to my workplace with my dog after we shut the lights off to probably catch me in an intimate situation with my manager.

He is nuts.

He is absolutely crazy and paranoid.

The worst thing is that he is treating me like a sex doll.

I’m only used for sex. I’m only useful when I provide sexual services.

Every single day I hear about five to ten times  “are you gonna suck my dick?” Or something similar. Sometimes as a joke or sometimes angrily. He even does it half asleep. 

He can wake up in the middle of the night and ask me “can I fuck you? I will be quick”. It happened last night actually after I accidentally woke him up by going to the bathroom at night.

That makes me so disgusted by him.

He is nasty. He reminds me of old, horny, disgusting uncles that go to Asia to have sex with poor, young Asian girls.

That man is insatiable. He is an animal.

I don’t know how to protect myself anymore.

He is primal.

The day before yesterday we were not on speaking terms. We haven’t slept together in probably a week. 

He waited for me in my bed. I knew he wouldn’t let it slide. I said “what are you doing here?,you have been sleeping downstairs recently”, to what he replied “I wanna get some”.

So I showered, I got out and  I said “ok, let’s do it”.

He asked “do you want it?” I said “no”. He asked “why?”, I replied with “because I hate you”. I then named the reasons why I hated him because he had asked.

He admitted to me earlier that he owes money to the military and I was upset about it (one of many many many things I was upset about).

I knew about some of it, but I didn’t know that he will probably have to pay them back for the courses that he took and failed. What a waste of money.

He keeps doing it ever since we were together. He is jealous of me being able to save. The truth is that he would be able to save sooo much money, but he was never taught how to.

His parents are spenders. Always buying tons of food and useless shit.

We have a cheap house. A fixer upper..

I don’t know if I mentioned it. We have already put a lot of money into it. And G. Is literally blowing thousands of dollars into the garage. I stopped counting. There was a crack in the cement when we moved in. Who cares nobody would.

But he thought that if he fixed it it would raise the value of the house.

He decided to cover the whole garage floor with some kids of epoxy? I guess.  He needed more and more of the product. Kept going back to the store. He did it. Wasn’t happy with the result. Didn’t put the top coat so it started peeling.  So what did he decided to do? That he will rip it all off. Rented a concrete grinder and went back to where he started. So much money and time wasted. But I can’t say a word. If I do, there will be a huge fight.

Also, he started insulating the garage! What for? Who does that?! We don’t have the extra money for that!

He just got his last paycheck with the military and he doesn’t have a job!

I’m scared to go to sleep every night because I don’t know what’s gonna happen with us and he just keeps on spending.

There is so many broken or unfinished things in the house and he only cares about the garage 😭

Lord help me, because there is no fixing this man.