The latest

 I don’t know who am I writing this for anymore. Is it for my husband to read or is this for the future me. I think I’m leaning towards the latter. He wouldn’t even read the first post. He is like a deep well, nothing reaches the bottom. 

I cry almost every day. I’m very conflicted.

I called this blog: “struggles of a rebellious mind” for a reason: if I did everything my husband wants me to do (work full time, be skinny and wear lingerie, workout with him, cook, clean, have sex with him every night, ignore his spending, listen to his plans of being rich every day for hours and actively praise him for being a genius, fold his laundry, help him with his business, let him stay up and drink alcohol with the neighbor, clean up his mess after him, give him more money every months etc) then, only then my husband would treat me right. 

I’m intelligent enough to know that it is wrong. He will never be able to find anyone able to put up with this. 

I work five days a week. I finish at 7 pm, sometimes at 6 pm. I’m exhausted when I come home. He is usually done with work sooner than me, but still expects me to take care of him. 

When I point out that he doesn’t help around the house, he shouts at me that he does everything for me. 

That “everything” is paying the mortgage, groceries, bills, cook maybe once or twice a week and he recently started to take me to work. He also picks me up and always tells me how hard it is and that it’s bothering him.

I make at least three times less than him per month. 3/4 of my paycheck goes to our needs. I send him some money every month for bills and the rest I spend on groceries or eating out. I also put (or try to) put a thousand dollars every month to my savings account for US! So we can go to Poland for a couple months. I usually am left with either nothing for myself or 200 dollars max.

I have proven it to him multiple times, showing him my bank account.

While we are in the topic of being transparent - he has also full access to my social media. While I am being left in the dark:

He only informs me about the amount of debt he is in.

Since I met him, he was never good with money. He had money, had the ability to make extra money (did Uber and Lyft and car detailing in the side) but somehow he is always in debt.

Whatever he thinks he needs, he buys, without consulting it with me. We have separate accounts, so I have no idea where half of his money goes.

A year ago I knew that he had a large debt on his credit card (later I found out he had multiple credit cards but that’s another story). A 31 year old man had no idea that it accrued interest. I was shocked. 

He worked very hard to pay it off. 

He always tells me: “we need to tighten the belt”. And then he never does.

As soon as he paid off that credit card debt, he bought expensive tools for the garage and appliances for the house. We had a one year old dishwasher that he replaced as well. It was not necessary and he also put a fence around the house although we already had one. I told him not to. He did not listen.

Appliances were almost 4 thousand dollars and he says that the fence was two thousand (but did he tell me the truth?). He also spent hundreds on plants and trees around the house. 

We are hopefully moving out at the end of the year and he is thinking that by adding these things, it will drastically raise the rental value of the house. 

It’s a small house. 2 bedrooms, 1,5 bathroom. It’s not worth putting so much money into. I think we made a mistake buying it. It required tons of work and money for renovation.

Did I also mention that he made me sign a refinancing of the loan? We bought this house almost two years ago for I believe 142 k. Our mortgage was 1460 a month. By refinancing our mortgage went down a 100 dollars and we didn’t have to pay for two months. All this for our loan to be back to where we started. It definitely wasn’t worth it.

Now we can’t even afford to sell this house. 

I have nothing to say when it comes to financial decisions.

Yesterday I found out he owns two guns.

One is a hunting semi-auto rifle and one is a Glock. He doesn’t even hunt.

Both of them bought recently. One in June and one in July. I also discovered a small suitcase filled with ammunition.

First of all - I mentioned to him multiple times that I do not agree to having a gun in the house. Second of all - it cost a lot of money!!

I gave him some extra money last paycheck because he mentioned he was struggling. I had nothing left for myself. 

Also he has been selling our stuff without telling me.

I don’t know if I mentioned it but he sold our fridge and both of our bikes without my knowledge. And God knows what else.

We bought my bike in Texas for 150 dollars on fb marketplace. I added a custom seat that was about 50 bucks and a basket for 20 or 30. I think he said that he needed space in the garage so he had to sell the bikes because mine was broken and we weren’t using them anyway. Not cool.

He is also messaging people on Facebook marketplace that are selling cars and asking: “is it still available?”. He never talked to me about getting a car.

From other news - I also found the phones I mentioned in a previous post. The ones he was supposed to destroy and get rid off. Well, he didn’t. They were in the garage. Both of the batteries drained.

When I took them I charged them to a 100 percent. I had them less than a day. He must have used them.

I notified him that I found those things over a text message and he asked me: “what are you looking for?”

“You’re looking for your passport aren’t you?!”

I had no idea he stole my passport. I have no idea how long he had it.. all of my documents were hidden in my closet in my clothes. 

It wasn’t the first time he took my passport. First time was two years ago. In the recent months he also threatened me to burn it.

My brain is begging me to pack my stuff and leave.

My heart is so scared of being alone again.

My husband doesn’t hit me, but I’m definitely being abused and I have nobody to tell 😞

He is completely clueless too. He asked me yesterday: “are you unhappy with me or something?!”.