Hopeless

 I’m gonna go straight to the point. 

On Friday, Nov 15th we had a huge fight. Of course it started because I refused to have sex. 

How can I agree if I’m being shouted at every morning and evening? 

Everything happened after he picked me up from work past 6 pm.

He turned the light off in my bedroom and circled around me wearing a red headlight to intimidate me.

He wanted to flush my medication down the toilet. I managed to get it on video.

He then threatened me again that if I leave him he will buy all the guns and ammo (which is basically a death threat). I recorded it as well and he took my phone to delete those files.

We physically fought.

He flinched at me multiple times but didn’t hit me. Just pushed and shoved me.

It was very scary. Every day im wondering how long am I going to be alive.

There were guns on the floor. He carries them around from room to room and clears them so I can hear.

I grabbed my phone back and went back to my bedroom, hoping he didn’t succeed in deleting those videos.

He failed. He deleted them, he then tried to delete it from the “recently deleted” album, but didn’t click on it. 

I saved them immediately to my Google drive.

I wish my neighbors would call the police. Why do they never do that? We live in a small and quiet neighborhood, in sure they can hear us!

I wanted to call myself, but I wasn’t sure what would happen. He didn’t hit me, I was scared that they wouldn’t take him and then he would do something to me.

Saturday night he got high again.

He was smoking weed in the garage. It became a daily thing.

He could barely open his eyes, but he demanded sex again.

I said no and he smashed the door to the wall and it made a hole.

After that he drove under influence to get some food.

My hear races every time I hear his car approaching our house.

It is caused by fear.

I told my mom over the phone that he is shouting at me all the time and that he has a substance abuse problem.

I didn’t tell her everything.

It was enough for her to tell me that she doesn’t want me to live in the US. She wants me to come back home and stay.

In less than two weeks we are going to Europe to spend 5 months in my family home).

God help me.