Hello, I’m Unhappy, what is your name?

 I have thought about the idea of having a blog for years.

Mostly for myself - to make me realize how bad my relationship really is, but also for my husband - to show him what I have been through (if I ever decide to leave of course).

It will be a very chaotic lecture. My memory is not that good most of the time. I will soon explain why. I’m nervous. I don’t want him to catch me writing this. I don’t really have much privacy in our house. I’m not scared that he will hurt me or anything like that - I just want to be able to continue writing for a long period of time.

Let’s start from the beginning.

I will not use full names or locations, so I can (hopefully) stay anonymous.

My name is M. I’m 35 years old. I had a tumultuous life.

My mom is an alcoholic. I thought she was a recovering one, but a couple years ago I learned that she just got better at hiding.  Because of her condition, my younger sister is disabled. 

 I am an adult child of an alcoholic. That’s a thing apparently and it requires therapy. Maybe one day. I have other problems.

My dad has been a good dad, but he is very absent due to his work. He retires next January.

I also have an older brother, unfortunately I was always struggling to find a connection with him. We don’t agree on almost everything and currently I would say we are not on speaking terms.

Maybe I will get into those details some other day.

More about me:

Ever since I was young, I knew I wanted one thing: to have a family of my own. And all my adult life I have been pursuing that dream. Unfortunately I didn’t have much luck.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 14/15 years old. I was a metalhead with an incredible imagination, I loved music, reading books, playing rpg games. He was an older boy, but we had the same circle of friends. We were together for a year, he cheated on me horribly with multiple girls, but let’s not talk about him in a bad light. He passed away years ago in a car accident. 

After that I focused on school. I went to a university and studied in a different city. I met a guy who was my first “adult” relationship. Horrible mistake. Party animal, womanizer, cold blooded cheater. Unfortunately I got pregnant. After he found out, he did not answer his phone for three days. I will never forget it. I hope he goes to hell eventually. After so many years I still have so much hate for this person. It was a stressful time and I miscarried at 11 weeks. Relationship ended and I was never the same.

I suffered badly. I was gone. Emotionally and mentally bruised. For a couple of weeks I carried a teddy bear in a towel, pretending it was a baby. I wish it never happened. I wanted that baby! That’s when my maternal instinct really kicked in. 

Anyway, I finish my bachelor’s degree and during my second year of master’s I meet K. We were together 7 silent years.

K was my age, but not at my level of maturity. He wasn’t ready for marriage or kids. I thought it would change. I failed my masters paper because of him and because of work. I still have regrets to this day. My dad paid a lot for my education and I just dropped it. K proposed after 5 long years of me mentioning it every now and then. My mom warned me, that he will never marry me. And she was right. 

In 2016 I discovered I had arrhythmia. It was hard, because I was doing sports regularly and on an international level. After 1 year of suffering, I decide to get a heart ablation. 

It changed my life. Nightmare began.

I will continue in another post…I have so much to say about this.

My husband just asked me “who are You texting?”. 

Well G…I never texted anyone since I met You. 

I am the most loyal person anyone can meet.