Struggles of a rebellious mind

 I’m gonna go straight to the point.  On Friday, Nov 15th we had a huge fight. Of course it started because I refused to have sex.  How can I agree if I’m being shouted at every morning and evening?  Everything happened after he picked me up from work past 6 pm. He turned the light off in my bedroom and circled around me wearing a red headlight to intimidate me. He wanted to flush my medication down the toilet. I managed to get it on video. He then threatened me again that if I leave him he will buy all the guns and ammo (which is basically a death threat). I recorded it as well and he took my phone to delete those files. We physically fought. He flinched at me multiple times but didn’t hit me. Just pushed and shoved me. It was very scary. Every day im wondering how long am I going to be alive. There were guns on the floor. He carries them around from room to room and clears them so I can hear. I grabbed my phone back and went back to my bedroom, hoping he didn’t suc...

 I wake up every day sweating from my nightmares. They have been bothering me a lot lately.  I’m under a lot of stress. I’m in an unhappy marriage, me and him are moving out of state and going to my country to visit for 5 months. People are asking me - „are you excited to go home?”. And I can’t help but reply honestly -„I’m not”. I would like to go alone. Leave him and all of my sorrows behind. Forget that I have ever been here, erase all of the memories. I wish I could wake up in my bed at home and start fresh. Too bad that I’m about to turn 36 and it’s not easy to optimistically enter a new chapter. I fantasize about my life without him. It looks good in my thoughts. I wish he could let me go.  I’m unhappy, I’m scared of him, I shiver when I hear him walk up the stairs, I don’t miss him, I don’t want to be around him, I don’t want to go out with him. I recently understood there is no love between us. I used to tell people that my husband loves me very much. I was wrong....