Struggles of a rebellious mind

 Trapped.  Resisting, rebelling, fighting - it doesn’t change anything.  But it’s what my heart is telling me to do. I know what he’s doing to me is wrong. I should be long gone. Now is the only moment I regret not having a driver’s license. I wish I had a car, packed my most important things, my dog and left. I fantasize about this often. I feel like I’m writing from prison. It’s just that my letters don’t have a recipient. My mental health is deteriorating. I want this to end. This marriage. I wish I had somewhere to go and I wish I had more courage. I’m already brave standing up to him, but I’m too scared to leave. I truly believe he would end my life while enraged. He took off his guitar off the wall and put his rifle on there - constant reminder of what might happen. He is a psycho. My mom warned me when she found out I was dating an army guy. She said he probably has PTSD and can kill me if I ever wanted to leave. Her dad was a policeman during communism in Poland -...

 It feels like I’m the most unhappy that I have ever been in my life. Every breath is a struggle. I can’t see the light. I can’t see the way out.  Am I seeing, am I witnessing my own end? Am I sensing it somehow? I feel like I need to prepare myself, but I don’t know for what. I have been praying to God for an answer.  I have noticed a big change in my prayers lately. Before- I used to pray to save my marriage, but lately I have been asking God to relieve me of this burden. This is a very heavy cross to carry. I cannot handle it. I don’t feel like it will bring me closer to Heaven.  It would require extreme mental strength, extreme sacrifice and borderline slavery. I don’t believe that’s what God expects me to do. If my husband was physically disabled, but he would be good to me - that would be a heavy cross to carry - but a cross that would bring me closer to salvation. G. is bringing me closer to evil than I have ever imagined. I don’t like the person that I have b...