Struggles of a rebellious mind

 On October 2017 I had the heart ablation. The choice was - either you’re going to take arrhythmia medication till the rest of your life, or You can take the procedure and maybe get rid of it for good. It seemed pretty simple. I was optimistic. When I came to the room and I saw about 10 people in the room, doctors covered in iodine I lost my optimism. I began shaking horribly. The procedure is not under general anesthesia and I think that’s what changed me. Because I was panicking, they gave me fentanyl. I was only able to say yes or no. I was high, but I was still terribly scared.  The doctor said there was a small chance for me to have a heart attack during the ablation, because of the problematic positioning of the obstruction. I believe it was an obstruction. During the ablation they use electricity to burn the culprit of the arrhythmia. It hurt. The electrodes went in through my leg and made their way up. I could feel them moving.  Before they started I could hear th...

 I have thought about the idea of having a blog for years. Mostly for myself - to make me realize how bad my relationship really is, but also for my husband - to show him what I have been through (if I ever decide to leave of course). It will be a very chaotic lecture. My memory is not that good most of the time. I will soon explain why. I’m nervous. I don’t want him to catch me writing this. I don’t really have much privacy in our house. I’m not scared that he will hurt me or anything like that - I just want to be able to continue writing for a long period of time. Let’s start from the beginning. I will not use full names or locations, so I can (hopefully) stay anonymous. My name is M. I’m 35 years old. I had a tumultuous life. My mom is an alcoholic. I thought she was a recovering one, but a couple years ago I learned that she just got better at hiding.  Because of her condition, my younger sister is disabled.   I am an adult child of an alcoholic. That’s a thing a...